Movie Review: The Wolfman (Benicio Del Toro)

I thought this movie was going to be fucking awesome, but I was dead wrong. It's amazing Anthony Hopkins didn't punch Benicio el Boro in the mouth for being so bad in this movie.

Let us begin. So Benicio Del Toro plays an actor who goes home to find his missing brother. Emily Blunt is engaged or married to his brother and pretty much has no reason to be in this movie other than to show 2 seconds of side boob.  Ok, so it turns out that the brother was killed by a werewolf that is definitely not Anthony Hopkins. All of the townspeople are scared and converse with horrible uninteresting dialogue. BDT goes to investigate and encounters the werewolf that is definitely not Anthony Hopkins and gets bitten! Oh my fucking God, REALLY?!?! I didn't see that coming at all! The townspeople are like "Oh no, he's gunna turn into another werewolf just like that other werewolf that's not Anthony Hopkins." So they pursue BDT and he turns into a werewolf a few times and kills a bunch of people. Then BDT realizes that Anthony Hopkins killed his mom and goes to kick his ass. Oh no but wait! When he gets there Anthony Hopkins turns into the werewolf from the earlier scenes in the movie! Oh man, what a great twist at the end. Anthony Hopkins IS the werewolf. I never saw it coming...

Seriously though, the people that are responsible for this "film" should be fired. Or executed.

Movie Review: Robin Hood (Russell Crowe)

Here's a phone conversation I definitely had with Russell Crowe after seeing his new Robin Hood movie.

RC: Hello?

ME: Fuck you Russell. Is it OK if I call you Russell?

RC: I suppo-

ME: Fuck you Russell.

RC: Uhhhh?

ME: I can't believe I spent money on renting Robin Hood instead of waiting for it to hit Netflix. This movie is terrrrrrrible. The whole time I was watching it, I was thinking about watching Robin Hood with Kev Costner. That movie fucking rules. Bryan Adams soundtrack? Boom. Even Bryan Adams couldn't save this movie.

RC: Well, we were kinda goin' for a different approach, mate. Excuse me a minute while I open my Fosters.

ME: Ok so I guess this movie is kind of like a prequel, except that Robin Hood is 45 already. Good job casting department! Maybe if they got Morgan Freeman to play your side kick the movie would have been good. Maybe.

RC: Well, I-

ME: Fuck you Russell.

Movie Review: Gran Torino

Should have been called "Clint Eastwood is a racist and also has a Gran Torino."  This movie is not very good (unless you're watching it as a comedy).  The dialogue is awkward and I'm pretty sure Clint Eastwood is dead and being held up by strings.  Let me break it down for yah.  Clint Eastwood hates everyone and lives in a community with tons of asians whom he calls swamp rats and gooks...constantly.  After the asian girl explains that her people actually fought on the side of the US during Vietnam, he continues to call her a swamp rat and a gook.  Clint, were you not listening to what she said?  Oh yeah, I forgot, you've been dead for like ten years and can't hear anyone anyway.

P.S.  That movie with Kevin Costner and the kid in the ghost costume sucked too.

Movie Review: Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day

Way to go. Way to make a sequel that is exactly the same as the first one, but worse...and the first one isn't even that good. For some reason Boondock Saints 1 became this "cult classic" for some unknown reason other than stupid people like stupid shit. Both movies are pretty much sub-par Tarantino films with really bad dialogue. Like really bad. And what's with the two brother's dialect? If you've seen either of these you know they are inseparable and basically suck one another off. If this is true why do their Irish accents sound totally different? This movie should be called Boondock Saints 2: Who gives a flying fuck about this pile of shit?  

Movie Review: The Human Centipede

Holy crap! If you can't figure it out by the title, this movie is fucking gross. That being said, I loved it. If you still can't figure it out I'll piece it together for ya. This fucking crazy looking surgeon guy abducts three humans and connects them ass to mouth. Ass to mouth. Who the fuck comes up with this concept? Do you think after he came up with the idea he had to figure out a way to tell people the idea without them telling him he's a total weirdo?...So, when the first person shits, the next person eats it. Yum. Besides having a totally bizarre premise, this movie is just awful. It has all of the stupidity of any horror movie.

"Oh yes! We've finally overcome our captor that made us eat each others shit. I know, lets just hit him over the head and not kill him so he can come and fuck our shit up even more when he regains consciousness!"

Don't worry, there are some boob shots. Too bad the girl's mouth is attached to an Asian dude's asshole. Hell yeah I wanna look at a hot girl's boobs as she's eating someone's shit! Oh, and the Asian dude at the front of the centipede can't speak English, great.