Movie Review: Twilight

The first twenty minutes of Twilight:

Robert Pattinson: "Hi, I'm Edward, I'm hot."

Kristin Stewart: "Yes, I can see that.  I'm Bella."

RP: "Oh, you are also quite attractive."

KS: "Thank you, I'm completely 100% in love with you."

RP: "Awesome. By the way, I'm a vampire and I like to drink blood; I especially want to drink yours.  As we are talking all I am thinking about is sucking your blood. I may not be able to control myself."

KS: "I know, and I don't care.  You're hot and I love you, forever."

RP: "Really?...ooookay.  Wanna see my skin turn into diamonds in the sunlight?"

Movie Review: Secretary

Have you seen this movie?!  I can't believe I got through it all.  I kept waiting for Maggie Gyllenhaal to get naked and when she did I was like, "Oh, well this wasn't worth it."  Maggie's character is a masochist who has cuts all over her body.  It looks like Edward Scissorhands raped her.  James Spader's character is a sadist.  He's a big pussy. Long story short, Spader dominates Gyllenhaal, J.O.'s onto her back, they get married and live happily ever after.  Stop liking shit because it's "kewl" to like it.  I guess if you are into sadomasochism it's kind of OK.

Movie Review: Knowing

This pile stars the one and only Nicholas Cage. Even though he gave us Con-Air, this movie is unacceptable. EVERYONE DIES AND ALIENS SAVE THE CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES AND BRING THEM TO A NEW PLANET TO START OVER!!! How could that possibly work, Aliens? COME ON!!! If I had to send a letter to Nick Cage it would read something like this:

Dear Nick Cage,

After everything we've been through? WTF.

Sincerely,

Nick Cage Fan #1 (Previously)

P.S. What the fuck is up with your hair?

Movie Review: Milk

This movie should have been called Harvey "I am Sam" Milk, because apparently Sean Penn thinks it's okay to use the same voice for both characters. For those of you who are not familiar with those films, "I am Sam" is about a retarded guy, and "Milk" is about a gay guy. Sean Penn is an amazing actor. Seriously though, it was pretty good. I wonder how they got James Franco to sign on...

Casting Director: "So James, do you wanna make out with naked old guys?"

James Franco: "Yup."