Movie Review: Easy A

AMANDA BYNES!!!! I want to smash her face into a jelly. I hate it. Ok, this movie is weird, and completely unrealistic. The guy from Wings is in it and is surprisingly good. However, WHAT?! Phoebe from Friends just showed up. Sorry if that read weird. I'm watching the movie while writing this and Phoebe popping up prompted me to write it down IMMEDIATELY. However, I hate Amanda Bynes' face so much. She is the worst. Oh, there are also some weird scenes in this movie that seem like they should be in a musical. Idk. Imma go watch the rest before I miss "the big reveal" or some shit.

Movie Review: Triple Dog

Triple Dog. I triple dog dare you to watch this movie (streamable on netflix). My whole house watched this together the other night. It took about an hour to figure out what was going on. From what I recall the premise of this movie is as follows...

There are a bunch of girls that start a game of triple dog, which is a game of truth or dare without the truth part. However, if you don't go through with the dare you have to get yo' head shaved. Oh snap! Also, the game doesn't end until everyone has gone (i think?). Kinda like Jumanji, but instead of Robin Williams and a bunch of jungle shit, there are five dumb girls that are unlikable. I'm pretty sure we are the only people to ever watch this movie. It was a diamond in rough. Halfway through Tammy and company came over fairly snockered. Tammy and Rich preceded to immediately jump on top of me while I was lying on the couch. No honor. None.

Let's wrap this. Some stupid stuff happens, there's a girl with a rat, and someone dies. I can't wait for Quadruple Dog.

"What time is it?" -rat girl

"12:02, who cares?" -some kid

Food Review: Chex Mix

Chex Mix is not as good as I remember. I think there were two bagel chips in my whole bag. Wtf is that about? Maybe they used to have more per bag and that's why I remember them being better. It kinda tasted like I was eating handfuls of sand. That being said, they were delicious. Keep up the good work?

Avatar - Movie Review

I wish I was more tired when I watched this (i started it after midnight too). It would have been easier to walk away from. Seriously, is this movie for twelve year olds? Cause it was not good...unless you are twelve. Maybe I was too focused on figuring out if the cgi boobs were modeled after the real ones. After 2 plus hours (or however fucking long this movie was) of in depth analysis, I'm gonna saaaay.......they were. Movie still sucked.

No Escape! - Movie Review

Ok. For those of you that dont know, this is a Ray Liotta movie from like 1996 or something. Yes, Ray Liotta. I understand if you dont want to continue. Thanks for stopping by. Onward! So Ray is this baddass ex special ops guy that gets sent to jail for shooting his commanding officer in the face. Oh, it's like the year 2044 and everything is run by huge corporations including prison. So there is this prison that is an island where prisoners are sent and there are no gaurds. Obviously the is a bad group of guys and a good group, even though they are all criminals. Oh, it's also just like the road warrior...but on an island. Nothing too crazy happens. The black guy from ghost busters is also in it. While watching it my wife comes home. This was our conversation.

me: hi.
Her: hi, who's that?
Me: ray liotta
Her: oh, he's kinda hot.
Me: yeah? Not anymore, his face is a crater.
Her: oh that's too bad.

Movie Review: The Wolfman (Benicio Del Toro)

I thought this movie was going to be fucking awesome, but I was dead wrong. It's amazing Anthony Hopkins didn't punch Benicio el Boro in the mouth for being so bad in this movie.

Let us begin. So Benicio Del Toro plays an actor who goes home to find his missing brother. Emily Blunt is engaged or married to his brother and pretty much has no reason to be in this movie other than to show 2 seconds of side boob.  Ok, so it turns out that the brother was killed by a werewolf that is definitely not Anthony Hopkins. All of the townspeople are scared and converse with horrible uninteresting dialogue. BDT goes to investigate and encounters the werewolf that is definitely not Anthony Hopkins and gets bitten! Oh my fucking God, REALLY?!?! I didn't see that coming at all! The townspeople are like "Oh no, he's gunna turn into another werewolf just like that other werewolf that's not Anthony Hopkins." So they pursue BDT and he turns into a werewolf a few times and kills a bunch of people. Then BDT realizes that Anthony Hopkins killed his mom and goes to kick his ass. Oh no but wait! When he gets there Anthony Hopkins turns into the werewolf from the earlier scenes in the movie! Oh man, what a great twist at the end. Anthony Hopkins IS the werewolf. I never saw it coming...

Seriously though, the people that are responsible for this "film" should be fired. Or executed.

Movie Review: Robin Hood (Russell Crowe)

Here's a phone conversation I definitely had with Russell Crowe after seeing his new Robin Hood movie.

RC: Hello?

ME: Fuck you Russell. Is it OK if I call you Russell?

RC: I suppo-

ME: Fuck you Russell.

RC: Uhhhh?

ME: I can't believe I spent money on renting Robin Hood instead of waiting for it to hit Netflix. This movie is terrrrrrrible. The whole time I was watching it, I was thinking about watching Robin Hood with Kev Costner. That movie fucking rules. Bryan Adams soundtrack? Boom. Even Bryan Adams couldn't save this movie.

RC: Well, we were kinda goin' for a different approach, mate. Excuse me a minute while I open my Fosters.

ME: Ok so I guess this movie is kind of like a prequel, except that Robin Hood is 45 already. Good job casting department! Maybe if they got Morgan Freeman to play your side kick the movie would have been good. Maybe.

RC: Well, I-

ME: Fuck you Russell.